Are you still looking for yourself out there?


What if in a world that seems to put so much importance on finding the “significant other”  we actually mistake the desire for a romantic partner with the longing for a spiritual connection? This simply means being in touch with our Higher Self or being in a place of living authentically from the heart where everything we do in life is based on a passion and love for life and self-expression instead of fear and limitations. In essence having a spiritual connection is about truly knowing ourself; not the ideas about who we are but who we actually are, deep down in our raw core.

Often, however, instead of taking the time to get to know ourselves on the deepest, most intimate level we believe the purpose of life is to get to know another person exactly that way. When our heart really calls out to turn inwards we turn outwards instead. What happens then is that we often (mis)use relationships similar to alcohol, drugs, work, food, exercise, gambling, shopping, money, etc. etc. All these things outside of ourselves only create and confirm the images of who we think we are or  would like to be which takes us further away from who we really are.

Some may even have experienced the intoxicating feeling when being or falling in love.  At first everything seems amazing and just like a good high, this initial period will create the sensation of having the best time ever. We might feel on top of the world, invincible even and free of any worries. But then there is the comedown. When the falling in love period starts to wear off, routine settles in and the initial excitement is gone we start to crave the high again. We want to get those amazing feelings back but the drug, in this case the relationship, no longer has this affect. What are we supposed to do now?

Any addict will know the answer to this question: look for more. We might cling to our partner and become more needy than before. Eventually we realise that more will never be enough to recreate that feeling it once produced. On the long run it will not suffice to distract us enough from having to look at ourselves. We are left exhausted from the attempts to recreate the high, desperate for now we have lost what we took to be the truth, mortified of what this process has done to us and lost because the infatuation with someone else has taken us further away from what we were searching for in the first place: the essence of us, our true inner self.


Another phenomena that can occur in relationships is that of losing oneself. Sometimes when we are in a relationship we tend to start behaving differently. Yes, being in a relationship requires both parties to compromised, to adjust a little to one another. Yet, when we start to change everything about ourselves to please someone else or rather try to live up to the idea of what we think someone else wants us to be we stop being authentic. In essence, it is just another move farther from our real being. Exactly this part of us might give us a little nudge and we get this a strange sense that something is not quite right. To avoid this unsettling feeling we might react by further numbing ourselves in one way or the other. We might not see what is going on until the relationship ends and if we are blessed we come to a place of awakening now and do not have to blindly start on another relationship roller coaster. If we do not wake up after the first time, we might do so after the second, third, fourth or fifth time of the same vicious cycle.

Yet, there is an entirely different way of experiencing a relationship. When entered into it with enough awareness and different motives it can actually serve as a pathway to that spiritual connecting we are seeking. A romantic partner could actually accelerates the journey of getting to know ourselves. Yet, for this relationship to not turn into a dysfunctional cycle of dependency we need to be ready for this kind of growth and willing to stop along the way and remember to turn inwards when all our instincts might cry out to grab on to the external; in this case the partner. A relationship does have the potential to raise both partners to a higher vibration when we understand that it is a union of that true, raw and honest core inside of us instead of a superficial connection of our external shells.

When we no longer mistake the yearning to get to know our innermost self with a romantic connection we are free to experience love for what it really is and we realise that it can be found in any relationship. Once we have been on the path to connecting to our real core we will also understand that deep down we are all one. That, which is unchangeable in us is the same in another person. If we are truly open to receive this kind of learning we are then able to break the cycle of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. We realise then that our partners are simply mirroring our raw core. If we have gotten to a place where we are truly willing to get to know ourselves and are no longer running from the truth we will attract this experience into our lives. If we no longer fear our own mirror image we are able to have healthy and meaningful relationships.

All relationships help us to discover sides of ourselves we weren’t able to see before but romantic involvements intensify the mirroring effect as they touch us on a much deeper level than a mere acquaintance does. Thus, if we have transcend the attachment to our and our partner’s external shell and overcome the fear of being confronted with the deepest, darkest parts of us we can find true spiritual liberation in form of a romantic relationship and wake up to an unsuspected potential of true, radiant, all-healing and all powerful unconditional love.

Wether or not you are with someone this valentine’s day may you remember that the true connection lies within you.


– Carina

Photo Credit: Nick Kenrick

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